How Do I Talk to My Children About Our Upcoming Divorce?

Telling your kids you’re getting a divorce is one of the toughest conversations you’ll ever have. As a parent, you want to protect them, reassure them, and help them adjust—but how do you even start? Divorce is a big life change, and kids may struggle to process what’s happening. They need to know that even if things will be different, your love for them isn’t going anywhere.

If you’re wondering how to tell your children about your separation or divorce, you’re not alone. Let’s walk through how to approach the conversation in a way that helps your kids feel safe, loved, and supported.

How Children Process Divorce at Different Ages

Kids don’t always know how to express what they’re feeling, and depending on their age, they may react in completely different ways. Younger kids may not fully understand what divorce means, while older kids might feel angry, sad, or even relieved if there’s been tension at home.

Here’s what to expect based on their age:

• Young children (ages 3-6): They need simple explanations and lots of reassurance. “Mom and Dad won’t live in the same house, but we both love you.”
• School-aged kids (ages 7-12): They’ll likely have lots of questions and might worry about their routine. “Where will I sleep? Will I still see my friends?”
• Teenagers (ages 13-18): Older kids might push back, demand answers, or withdraw emotionally. Be patient, keep communication open, and let them process at their own pace.

When Should You Tell Your Kids You’re Getting a Divorce?

Timing is everything. Telling your kids about your divorce sooner rather than later gives them time to process, but it’s important to pick the right moment. Avoid breaking the news right before school or bedtime. Instead, choose a calm, neutral time when they have space to react and ask questions.

If possible, both parents should be present for the conversation. Even if you don’t want to, showing a united front helps your kids feel secure. It’s not about pretending everything is fine—it’s about making sure they know they’re still part of a family, even if it looks different now.

How to Talk to Your Children About Divorce

1. Keep It Simple and Honest

Kids don’t need all the details about why you’re getting divorced. They just need to know the basics: Mom and Dad have decided to live apart, but we both love you, and that will never change.

2. Reassure Them That They Are Loved

Children need to know that your divorce is not their fault. They might wonder if they did something wrong or if they could have stopped it. Reassure them: This is between Mom and Dad, and it’s not because of anything you did.

3. Be Clear About What Will Change (And What Won’t)

Children thrive on routine. They need to know what their new day-to-day life will look like. Will they stay in the same house? Will they have two homes? Make sure to explain what will stay the same, too—whether it’s their school, friends, or extracurricular activities.

4. Encourage Questions and Feelings

Kids don’t always react right away. Some might cry, some might get angry, and some might pretend they don’t care. Let them know it’s okay to have different feelings and that they can always come to you with questions, even if you don’t have all the answers yet.

5. Avoid Blaming or Speaking Negatively About Your Ex

No matter what happened in your marriage, your child loves both of their parents. Saying negative things about your ex in front of your child can put them in an uncomfortable position and create unnecessary emotional stress. Focus on making them feel secure instead of fueling conflict.

6. Maintain Stability and Routine

A predictable routine can help kids feel more secure. Work with your co-parent to create a schedule that lets your child share time with both parents in a way that feels as normal as possible. Kids need consistency, so try to keep up traditions like movie nights, bedtime stories, or weekend outings.

7. Give Them Time to Process

Your child might not know how to respond right away, and that’s okay. They might need time to adjust and might have new questions later. Keep checking in with them and let them know they can always come to you when they’re ready.

Helping Your Children Adjust

Show Them Healthy Coping Strategies

Kids often mirror their parents. If they see you handling the divorce in a calm, healthy way, they’ll be more likely to do the same. It’s normal to feel sad or frustrated, but try to model resilience and self-care.

Encourage Their Relationship With Both Parents

Your child deserves a great relationship with both parents. No matter how you feel about your ex, don’t put your child in the middle. Encourage them to spend time with both of you without guilt or pressure.

Consider Outside Support

Sometimes, kids need extra help coping with divorce. Therapy or counseling can give them a safe space to talk about their feelings with someone neutral.

Remind Them That You’re Still a Family

Even if you don’t live in the same house, you’ll always be a family. Kids need to know that the love and support they’ve always had won’t disappear just because things are changing.

The Legal Side: What Tennessee Parents Need to Know

Tennessee courts focus on the best interests of the child in custody decisions. That means maintaining stability, encouraging relationships with both parents, and keeping legal conflict away from the kids.

In one Tennessee case, Dustin Balch v. Brittanie Cilley (2023), a mother was actually held in contempt for discussing court proceedings with her children. The court ruled that this was inappropriate and led to legal consequences, highlighting how important it is to keep legal matters separate from kids’ emotional well-being. This case serves as a reminder that shielding children from conflict helps them adjust to divorce in a healthier way.

Final Thoughts

Talking to your kids about divorce is hard, but with love, patience, and honesty, you can help them through it. You don’t have to do this alone. If you need support with custody, parenting plans, or any legal concerns, The Law Office of Sam Byrd is here to help. Reach out today, and let’s make this transition as smooth as possible for you and your family.